Antagozine: The Antagonistic Magazine

A chicken in every pot. A rock through every window.

Volume #0 | Issue #0

ANTAGOVIEWS
Unbiased reviews of movies, music, shows & restuarants we hate

The New Server: Antagozine loves it! | posted by JVG on 10/8/2003

Apple's iLife
Yet another in the .mac-type "pay for things you used to get for free" packages. Gee, Steve, if I had wanted to be ripped off, I would be using a PC. On a scale of 10.0 to Jaguar, I give this decision a 10.0.1. | posted by JVG on 1/7/2003

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Now with 40% more dwarf jokes! | posted by JVG on 1/6/2003

Sway
Spring Street, Manhattan
Why did we have to drop names and pimp our attractive friend to get into this crowded, overpriced craphole? Certainly the crowd was no less interesting than the nearby Holland Tunnel traffic. Maybe it was the fact that every table had a sign on it – white lettering on a black background – "reserved." Well, I'm intimidated. I think I'll come back every night and kiss the bouncer's ass so she can feel important. When I get in again, I'll be a big, big man. On a scale of 1 to trashed, I'd have to be pretty damn drunk before you could convince me to go back to Sway. | posted by JVG on 12/23/2002

DIE ANOTHER DAY
Yes, things like terrible computer-generated stunts, more-infantile-than-usual double-entendres, and AN INVISIBLE CAR all work together to make the 20th 007 outing fairly unpleasant. But the greatest flaw is the fact that this time around everyone in the movie – from the villian to the villian's henchman to both of the Bond girls to Judi Goddamn Dench – is playing Bond better than Pierce Brosnan. There's been a lot of talk about bringing "depth" to the 007 character, which, if this movie is any representation, means that he breathes heavily and is angry a lot. On a scale of The Living Daylights to From Russia With Love, I give this movie a View to a Kill. | posted by JVG on 12/9/2002

archives

Your Online Toaster
Finally! Make toast online!

Andrew Jackson
NEWS: Even when spinning out of control, the 7th president is still staring at your ass.

Unhappiest Girl in NYC
OPINION: My Darling Kurt is dead.

Opposite Day
FICTION: Yes means no and no means yes. Now, do you want me to hit you?

Property Value
FICTION: Trying to do too much, he nearly dropped first a dish, and then his son, when the phone rang.

Sam Webb, Internet Detective
FICTION: Some would call that ironic, but not me. I don't know the meaning of the word. Another word I don't know the meaning of is "solipsistic," but I'm pretty sure it can't be applied to this situation.

Fred, The Obnoxious Goldfish

Poke the Evil Nun
GAME DEMO: An evil nun is loose in Saint Mary's, and it's your job to poke her.

Punch the Grand Dragon of the KKK in the Face Game
GAME: Pretty self-explanitory, I would imagine.

Mom: Can I Just Say One Thing?
Erwin, We Won the Powerball
By Cheryl Van Gieson

Dad: That's My Official Position
I'm used to the president being an idiot.
By Bill Van Gieson

Don Berino's Import/Export Home Page

The Diary of Anne Frank, The Animated Movie

Classy Dick's Museum Quality Porn

You're The Star of The Story

Hypernorm

Monday, May 26, 2003
ANGER GOES TO THE GOVERNMENT

We'd like to thank all of the friendly folks that have been sending us spam at anger@antagozine.com. While we appreciate your sincere efforts to fill us with anger by filling up anger@antagozine.com inbox, sadly, that day has some to an end. Your spam now wearies us. It wearies our anger@antagozine.com inbox. So, from this moment forward, all spam sent to anger@antagozine.com will be redirected directly to uce@ftc.gov, the email filter of our hardworking Federal Trade Commission. That address again is uce@ftc.gov.

To repeat: all spam heading toward anger@antagozine.com, that's anger@antagozine.com, will now go directly to uce@ftc.gov, that's uce@ftc.gov.

Hello, Mr. Spider. Did you have fun here today?

posted by JVG @ 11:18 AM

Tuesday, May 13, 2003
ANTAGOZINE INBOX

Coming soon: Antago-Hong-Kong Office

"We found your company on antagozine.com's website and believe that our Hong Kong Fax Line service will assist your company to promote your products and services in Hong Kong.

You will have your own fax number in Hong Kong to receive faxes and all faxes received will be converted into image files and forwarded to your email address. It is just like you have a virtual office in Hong Kong.

The monthly service charge is US$20.00 for unlimited fax receiving plus 200 free pages of fax sending to Hong Kong every month.

Details can be found on http://www.mbfax.com/hk-faxline.html or email to info@mbfax.com

Man Bond Communications Limited
Phone : 852-2780-3257
Fax : 852-2385-2631
Webpage: http://www.mbfax.com
Block F1, 13/F., Tuen Mun Industrial Centre
No. 76, Pui To Road, Tuen Mun
Hong Kong"

posted by JVG @ 9:57 AM

Tuesday, March 11, 2003
ANTAGOZINE INBOX

New best spam ever. How can you beat a name like Tony Fred? And the mother "Devourse" the father? He must be the saddest child in Scotland (UK).

"DEAR: FRIEND.

GOOD DAY.

I AM MR TONY FRED I AM 14 YEARS OLD I LIVE IN LONDON (UK) BEFORE MY FATHERDIE,
NOW I LIVE WITH MY MOTHER IN INVERNESS SCOTLAND(UK) MY FATHER IS FROM LONDON
(UK) AND MY MOTHER IS FROM INVERNESS SCOTLAND(UK). MY LATE FATHER
MR FRED WAS AN ENGINEER IN LONDON (UK) BEFORE HE DIE IN A CAR ACEDENT LAST
YEAR JULY 5TH 2002. HE LEFT $50M ( FIVTY MILLION DOLLARS) IN HIS ACCOUNT
BEFORE HE DIE. THE $50M IS IN THE (FIRST UNION NATIONAL BANK-NA LONDON(UK)
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO COLLECT THE MONEY IN (FIRST UNION NATIONAL BANK-NA
LONDON (UK) BUT THE MD CEO MR LIAN JAMES ORRISS TOLD ME TO LOOK FOR SOME
BODY THAT IS OLD ENOUGH WHO WILL HELP ME COLLECT THE MONEY. I COULD HAVE
TOLD MY MOTHER TO COLLECT THE $50M BUT MY MOTHER AND FATHER HAS DEVOURSE
BEFORE MY FATHER DIE AND I DONT EVEN WANT MY MOTHER TO KNOW ABOUT IT. I JUST
WANT SOME BODY THAT IS OLD ENOUGH THAT WILL HELP ME COLLECT THE MONEY YOU
KNOW I AM TOO YOUNG TO TAKE CARE OF $50M. PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP IF YOU
CAN HELP ME COLLET THE MONEY FROM THE BANK I WILL GIVE YOU 40% OUT OF THE
TOTAL SUM AND TAKE 60%. I HAVE THE AFFIDAVITE OF CLAIMS THAT MAKES ME THE
INDEED BONIFIED NEXT OF KIN TO MY LATE FATHER MR FRED WHICH I HAVE SHOW IT
TO THE MD CEO MR LIAN JAMES ORRISS. IF YOU CAN HELP ME I WILL CALL MD CEO
LIAN JAMES ORRISS. AND TELL HIM THAT I HAVE SEEN SOME ONE WHO IS GOING TO
HELP ME COLLECT THE $50M. AND I WILL GIVE YOU IS CONTACT SO THAT YOU CAN
CONTACT HIM TO ENABLE HIM TRANSFER THE $50M. INTO YOUR PROVIDED ACCOUNT
IMMEDAITLY YOU CONTACT HIM. IF YOU ARE INTRESTED TO HELP ME REPLY ME BACK
ON THIS E-MAIL :( t_f4777@hotmail.com )AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE CONTACT
OFMD CEO MR LIAN JAMES ORRISSI WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY. MAY
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

BEST REGARDS

MR TONY FRED"

posted by JVG @ 10:44 AM

Tuesday, February 11, 2003
LUNCH HOUR BLUES

Strolled into the Border's on 57th and Park during lunch today. Hall and Oates were there, playing some tracks from their new album and clogging up Level 0.

posted by Joshua @ 1:59 PM

GOOD GOD DAMN

Why are my pants so tight?

posted by JVG @ 12:35 AM

Thursday, February 06, 2003
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

Overheard on the A train this morning: "I should have smacked her. She's lucky I had my weed this morning." --Tall, dreadlocked man after a woman apparently "touched his back" on her way out of the train.

posted by Joshua @ 3:11 PM

Wednesday, January 29, 2003
ANTAGOZINE INBOX: BOLD NEW SPAM

A rather ingenious new type of meta-spam:
Within a message complaining "please stop spamming", a forwarded email (purporting to be the spam we sent) offering "reliable bulk email friendly web hosting services" because they're "sure you've had a website shut down because you listed it in your bulk emails."

From: robert@focusmart.net
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2003 15:37:25 +0800
To: anger@antagozine.com
Subject: UCE Complaint (Bullet proof bulk email friendly web hosting) / please stop spamming !!!

I have received the following unsolicited e-mail from someone at your domain or your IP range.

I do not wish to receive such messages in the future, so please take the appropriate measures to ensure that this unsolicited e-mail is not repeated.

------ Forwarded Message

From: no_reply@sing.com
Reply-To: no_reply@sing.com
To: ahk@hwh.cc
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2002 23:12:36 +0800
Subject: Bullet proof bulk email friendly web hosting

If you want to promote your web site via commercial email, bullet proof web hosting is a must! As you may already know, many web hosting companies have Terms of Service (TOS) or Acceptable Use Policies (AUP) against the delivery of emails advertising or promoting your web site. If your web site host receives complaints or discovers that your web site has been advertised in email broadcasts, they may disconnect your account and shut down your web site.

We offer reliable bulk email friendly web hosting services. You can now have the peace of mind knowing that your web site is secure during your email marketing campaigns. Bullet Proof Web Hosting 100% Guaranteed!

This means you can send bulk email with your website address in it, and your website will not get shut down! I'm sure you've had a website shut down because you listed it in your bulk emails.

For more information, please Email us at hosting@wldinfo.net and targetemailrequest@btamail.net.cn

------ End of Forwarded Message

A minimal amount of research reveals that domain names “focusmart.net” (the domain name from which the complainant wrote) and "wldinfo.net" (the "for more information address" in the included spam) are registered to the same person.

That person: a gentleman by the name of Philipy Fisher, who lives – if WHOIS is accurate – both in “Goldools, Keries, Zambia” AND “Goldools, Keries, Korea (North)”

Korea (North), eh? Looks like this spam is just another dastardly plot from the Axis of Evil.

posted by JVG @ 11:14 AM

Tuesday, January 28, 2003
THE RIGHTS TO BETTE DAVIS

"CMG Worldwide secured its position during the 1970s as the premier company for representing the families and estates of deceased celebrities."

Now that's something to be proud of.

CMGWW.com

posted by JVG @ 1:34 PM

Thursday, January 23, 2003
ORIGINAL INTENT

The folks over at Patrick Henry College's Center for the Original Intent of the Constitution are doing some admirable work, fighting against evils like migratory birds. Their recent cases page touts victories in pollution and homophobia.

A victory for the Solid Waste Agency of Northern Cook County vs. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineer is hailed as "a significant step back towards the original intent of the Constitution." One can only imagine what glory lies ahead for the OITC.

posted by JVG @ 12:51 PM

SEND ANTAGOZINE YOUR SSN#

"Former violent criminals are also using the Internet for Identity Theft!" The New York Times.

posted by JVG @ 9:33 AM

Thursday, January 16, 2003
JUST SO YOU KNOW

AntagoBlog hates you.

posted by JVG @ 11:36 PM

Wednesday, January 15, 2003
ANTAGOZINE INBOX

In a message dated December 23, 2002, Antagozine editor Lock writes:
"I resolve in 2003 to turn my attention to [Antagozine] some more."

Number of Antagozine posts by Lock since 1/1/03: 0

posted by JVG @ 12:29 AM

Thursday, January 09, 2003
THERE'S A PUBIC HAIR ON MY MEMOIR

Clarence Thomas got a seven-figure advance for his memoir, which "appears to be the most lucrative ever for a sitting member of the modern Supreme Court" and, according to The Washington Post is "on a par with the $1 million publishers paid [Anita] Hill to write her autobiography and one other book."

Also according to TWP: "The American Bar Association's Model Code of Judicial Conduct, which is not legally binding but is widely adhered to by judges, does not specifically mention earnings from books, but does say that 'a judge shall not engage in financial and business dealings that . . . may reasonably be perceived to exploit the judge's judicial position or . . . involve the judge in frequent transactions or continuing business relationships with . . . persons likely to come before the court on which the judge serves.'"

posted by JVG @ 11:24 AM

Wednesday, January 08, 2003
WHITE HOUSE FUN

The White House website is a beacon of democracy and bipartisanship in these troubled times. The leadership has obviously made every effort to assure that the site does not espouse any particular agenda, but remains an impartial source of Executive Branch information for all of the American people.

Some unbiased news coverage from the homepage:
• Today at the White House, Jan. 8, 2003: President Bush Taking Action to Strengthen America's Economy link
• The President's Plan Will Help Unemployed Americans Find Work link
• 92 Million Taxpayers Would Receive, on Average, a Tax Cut of $1,083 link
• Saddam Hussein's Iraq: For more than a decade, Saddam Hussein has deceived and defied the will and resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. link

And where would a government website be without BarneyCam (RealPlayer required)?

UPDATE: UGNYC believes that Barney is "a secret agent for the forces of good who undermines the Bush administration by piddling on things." "Not unlike Cheney."

posted by JVG @ 12:14 PM

Saturday, January 04, 2003
OUR FAVORITE REFERRERS

Who's linking to Antagozine? Well, according to our referral logs from the past 3 months:
• Rubber Nun dot net (17 referrals)
• The Bondage.com Forums (15 referrals)
• The Hungover.net Restroom (324 referrals)
• The Prandial Post (10 referrals)
• Gawker (36 referrals)
• Voodoo Machine Link of the Week (9 referrals) Oddly enough, this is the exact same page as Voodoo Machine Drug Links (9 referrals), Voodoo Machine Awards (9 referrals), and Voodoo Machine Sex Enhancer (9 referrals): an ad for "a completely electronic drug-like experience". Duplicate pages must be a server problem.
• German Google (533 referrals)

and our #1 favorite referrer:
• Quivering Fuck Holes (9 referrals)

posted by JVG @ 1:05 PM

Tuesday, December 31, 2002
INSTANT EMAIL ALIENATION!

Each message sent from my employer's email system arrives in the recipient's inbox showing the SENDER'S NAME, followed by the COMPANY NAME and THE OFFICE STREET ADDRESS. [Caps not added for emphasis. -Ed.]

posted by Joshua @ 3:00 PM

Saturday, December 21, 2002
ANTAGOZINE INBOX: THE PLOT THICKENS

Torstenheld writes from Germany to ask "Please remove me from your mailing-list." Strangely, we haven't sent any email to our mailing list recently. Or, in fact, ever. Could our jilted German admirer be sending email from our address in order to exact revenge on Antagozine?

posted by JVG @ 12:00 AM

Friday, December 20, 2002
ANTAGOZINE IN LOVE
Our German admirer just won't give up

Subject: Warum tust Du das? Hallo, leider hast Du Dich auf meine letzte Mail ja nicht gemeldet. Da ich aber st?ndig an Dich denken muss, versuch ich es jetzt noch einmal. Vielleicht ist meine Mail ja gar nicht bei Dir angekommen. Es w?re einfach nur sch?n Dich bei mir zu haben. Seit ich Dich das erste Mal sah, kann ich an nichts anderes mehr denken. Leider kann ich Deine Gefühle nicht einsch?tzen und traue mich nicht Dich pers?nlich anzusprechen. Deshalb dieser Weg über die Mail. Ich habe mich bei einem Kontaktmarkt angemeldet über den Du erfahren kannst wer ich bin. Dort kann man sogar live miteinander sprechen. Wenn Du wissen willst wer ich bin, komm doch einfach mal dorthin. Zu der Seite gelangst Du hier: http:// 66.150.211.29/sofort/sofort.exe Ich hoffe ich kann Dich bald in meine Arme schlie?en. Deine ??????????

GOOGLE TRANSLATES:

Subject: Why do you do that? unfortunately you did not announce yourself to hello on my last Mail. Since I must however constantly think of you, attempt I it now again. Perhaps my Mail did not arrive at all with you. It would be to be had simply only beautifully you with me. Since I saw you the first time, I can think of nothing other more. Unfortunately I can not estimate your feelings and do not dare you personally to respond. Therefore this way over the Mail. I have myself with a contact market announced over which you experience can who I am. There one can speak even live with one another. If you want to know who I are, come nevertheless simply times there. At the side you arrive here: HTTP:// 66.150.211.29/sofort/sofort.exe I hope I can you soon into my arms close. Yours??????????

posted by JVG @ 2:21 PM

Thursday, December 19, 2002
NEW WTC DESIGNS RAISE IRE IN NYTIMES FORUMS

Selected comments:

desertweed calls the proposed replacements "truly pathetic", and feels the international architects are "Losers. Every single one of them."

surlyscot wonders if it wouldn't " be a better idea to turn it over to the local kindergarten kids and give them a crack at it."

SC hague: (in one of several posts) "Larger-than-life narcissist architects' desires to use Manhattan as their canvas for personal enshrinement should be embarrased (sic) by their shameless and useless proposals."

thirduncle0 offers to " paint a target on [his] ass and occupy the top floor"

planetcast1 asks "has the computer revolution gone to the heads of some architects? Just because CAD programs can output these multi-faceted arching, obtusely angled, mathematically twisted shapes and volumes, does not make the work necessarily effective nor 'modern'."

mrous: "Gaudy, cold, oppressive, and overbearing"

mikeny4: "The proposals are so ugly and wrong for NY that I cannot begin to comment. " (followed by 4 paragraphs of comments)

and kelleypb0, in perhaps the most apropos post of the forum, notes "Most of what I ever bought from Century 21 was crap."

posted by JVG @ 6:49 PM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002
FROM THE ANTAGOZINE INBOX:

Subject: Anfrage Jemand der Dich sehr gut kennt wuerde gern ein Treffen mit Dir haben. Die Person traut sich jedoch nicht Dich direkt anzusprechen. Sie hat deshalb unseren Service in Anspruch genommen und bei uns eine persoenliche Anzeige hinterlassen. Wenn Du wissen willst wer Dich treffen moechte gehe auf unsere Seite. Solltest Du unser Chattmodul noch nicht haben kannst Du es hier laden und starten, Du wirst dann automatisch auf unsere Seite geleitet. http://66.150.211.29/privatkontakte/livechat.exe Gehe in den geschlossenen Bereich und waehle dort die Seite: wr123as Du kannst dann sehen wer Dich so sehr mag und entscheiden ob Du Kontakt aufnehmen willst oder nicht. Service FFT Kontakt

WHICH APPARENTLY MEANS:

Subject: Inquiry Someone that you very well knows gladly a meeting with you would have. The person does not dare however you to respond directly. It took therefore our service up and left with us a personal announcement. If you to know want you who to meet would like go on our side. You should not have our Chattmodul yet can you it here load and start, you on our side are then automatically led. http://66.150.211.29/privatkontakte/livechat.exe go into the closed range and select there the side: wr12?s you can then see who you so much likes and to decide whether you want to take up contact or not. Service FFT contact

posted by JVG @ 5:22 PM

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